Gupt Gyan Guru
Hello all welcome to the first issue of GuptGyanGuru series . I am your host Gjee and in todays epiSoda we are gonna talk abt the effect of carbon dioxide on your carbonated drink …. Ok Ok I see all you guys getting too exited abt the topic . It drives me crazy how can people tune in to read topic so naive , unimportant , insignificant and .. so on and so forth. So now that I have grabbed your attention ,I am gonna change the topic (A vicious grin on my face ). After all those lame insignificant years of experience that I have had on this planet , I have at last made up my mind to share it will the rest of the under privileged people around me (the latter part includes you).
Ok so without wasting much of MY time ( I knw you people have all the time in the world) lets get to the topic. Todays topic is “ Ten tips to Become An Softwear Engine near ” . Ok I see you asking “ Why the F*** would I want to become a software engine near “ (now don’t fill the stars with letters you dirty mind, those stars imply conditions apply ). If you did ask that question then this article is for you. Well if you didn’t then I suggest you go ahead and read this article to find out if this article is for you.
TIP 1 :
Buy yourself a good laptop . You need to be dressed for the job you do . Haven’t you seen tat VAIO ad with this tall chap almost nude .. thanks to VAIO that saves his shame (puppy shame). You wanna be an IT gay (I mean guy ) you ought to have this guy ( I am referring to VAIO). Now lets come to the valid question, you bought the laptop wat next “What am I gonna do with this laptop” .. ofcourse you have enough dress in your wardrobe to cover yourself unlike the VAIO guy. First of all install all those funky tools available for FREE on the net to start with Nortan Aunty Virus . Remember that Laptop is a key part of your life, you take it where ever you go you knw it’s a style accessory . I remember one of my friend who felt it was a bit uncomfortable to loaf around carrying the lap top. His tip the heaviest component of the laptop is its battery get rid of it and you can carry it around for few extra hours guaranteed. The advantage of carrying laptop is that it makes people assume that you are a techie, right from manager to the sweeper (Though mine sweeper is all you might be using it for).
TIP 2 :
English is all tat it takes. You wanna be the IT guy you better speak English. You don’t want Bill gates talking about his next release of “Kidki” or “Jannal” you want him talking about Windows. You already scared, you haven’t had education in English. Nope there is nothing to worry , English has about 26 letters and as per the IT community not more that 15 words. Any sentence spoken by the IT guy will have 14 of these 15 words. Speak a lot of English that’s gonna make a lot of difference .
Use phrases like “On the same page” but don’t reply to such phrases. I remember this meeting that we had on Tech Spec review, The manager say “ I want every one of you to be on the same page before we start of the development” some one replies “I am page 22 of the Tec spec are you guys also there”.
TIP 3 :
Its all about customer interactions. You need to be outspoken, transparent and convincing. Its not only about pleasing your manager its more about pleasing your customer. In most cases the customer is equally dumb as you are. And to make this better the customer usually does not know what he wants. So you give him what you have and convince him that this is what he wants.
TIP 4 :
Show that you are always Under pressure. IT job pweh !! pressure is must. Make sure you show people tat you do multi- tasking . You don’t knw how to do multitasking ?? Here is the gyan. Say for example you are working on excel sheet, now to multi task what you need is couple more windows so open up some more applications/documents. Now coming to the key act you press the alt tab button continuously until you come back to the excel sheet that you were working then continue to work on the excel sheet, repeat this act at regular interval , That’s it !!!
Another way to show pressure is frustration. Walk around your cube every 10 mins talking to yourself. Pick the phone and call the pizza guy (the credit card guys not a bad option at all ) and ask him to call you back. The more calls you make the more calls you receive more busy you look.
TIP 5 :
Desktop screen has to be messy. If you are a Software engine near you cant afford to have a clean desktop. Make sure you have icons every where on the desktop . If you feel there aren’t enough files to put on your desktop, pull sum form the recycle bin . Rule of Thumb first use your desktop to store files then move to your other drives\folders.
TIP 6 :
Do some pet project apart from the project work that you don’t do. Make sure you let people know that you are working on other things . For example I am developing a software that finds the life span of your keyboard. It gives you alert on which and when the key on your keyboard has to be replaced . How does it work it keeps track of the keystrokes and keeps counting each punch and figures out which key has been extensively used. And generates report for the user. Now don’t flick this ingenious idea you dumb headed idiot I have already got it patented.
TIP 7:
Last but not the least IT guys don’t go home early. Reason ? I am yet to figure that out its 8 pm already and I am still working , phew !! ! there is too much of pressure these days , hold on gotta a call BRB ..
Gjee (Pronounced ass G G)
GuptGyanGuru
*** Conditions don’t apply
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